Tis Pity He's a Writer

Richard Daybell – Novels, stories and short humor

If a Woodchuck

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck – if the damn woodchuck would chuck wood, we wouldn’t have this problem. But we do. This particular groundhogwoodchuck not only doesn’t chuck wood, it gorges itself on hollyhocks and coneflowers and zinnias as part of a very strict diet on which he only eats things I plant. If the woodchuck would concentrate on weeds, for instance – God knows we have enough of those for him to sate himself into woodchuck obesity ten times over – he wouldn’t have to die.

I am an animal lover. I like wildlife. I find it cathartic to observe furry little critters cavorting. Nevertheless, the woodchuck must die – although I don’t necessarily want him to suffer. I want hornets and mosquitoes to die too, but in their case, I want suffering. I want mosquitoes to swell up to twice their normal size and itch until they welcome death.

The woodchuck could leave. I wouldn’t chase him down to kill him. In fact I’ve encouraged him to leave. I’ve put up whirlygigs, spread noxious substances around the yard, even peed on his front porch. He doesn’t take the hint. So I’m working on the method of his demise. I don’t want it to hurt too much, but I would like to get a little pleasure out of it.

If only he’d chuck wood.

10 comments on “If a Woodchuck

  1. melanielynngriffin
    July 12, 2013

    No! Say it isn’t so! Why don’t you plant something special just for him? I’ve got the critters living under my house right now, but they mostly eat clover and daisies, it seems. I must admit, I don’t do a ton of flower gardening here. Most of the gardens were planted by my grandmother in the 40’s, so if they were going to succumb to woodchucks, they would have done so by now.
    I will say a little prayer for the woodchuck’s soul as you send him to the great hollyhock gardens in the sky.


  2. Beth Crane
    July 12, 2013

    Maybe our woodchucks could meet. At least I think maybe I have a woodchuck. But one that is apparently making salsa: cilantro and tomato plants (not the tomatoes themselves, because it is July in Vermont and we don’t have such things as tomatoes in my garden). I have never seen anything with both fur and vertebrae eat tomato plants. Oh, bean plants too. And some weeds, as a goodwill gesture. Whatever you do, please don’t relocate your woodchuck to Montgomery unless it eats buttercup, horsebane, and Bishops weed.


    • Richard Daybell
      July 13, 2013

      If he ate Bishop’s weed, we’d build him his own little apartment — with cable and a Jacuzzi.


  3. joel
    July 13, 2013

    I got a friend named Vinny who might could help.

    Does it need to look like an accident?

    If so, that will cost a little more.


  4. Kenton Lewis
    July 13, 2013

    Some of my finest moments in life have involved raccoons, possums, and woodchucks.


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This entry was posted on July 12, 2013 by in It's a Jungle Out There and tagged , , , .

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