Richard Daybell – Novels, stories and short humor
With the dawning of 2013 came the realization that I have been technologically challenged – or you might say techless – for far too long. Determined to rectify this sorry situation, I immediately ran out and bought a smart TV. What exactly makes it smart I don’t know. It’s even odd to call it a TV since it gets no TV programming, neither local, cable nor satellite. This of course is not the TV’s fault – its being smart and all – it could get these if I enabled it. But I’ll be able to watch DVDs with a much better picture and stream stuff. Unlike our stream out back, which occasionally delivers us flotsam and jetsam, this stream delivers us movies. What there is to stream beside movies I’m not sure. I’m sure our grandson will figure it out.
Of course this is only the first milepost on the road to iSavvy. There are lots of other technological gadgets I must have.
I already have a computer to go along with my Smart TV. I think that’s a good start. It’s a nice big one that sits on my desk. I think they call them towers. I like that. It strikes me as strong and bold. True, you can’t lug it around with you, but I’ve never really wanted to lug a computer around with me. That may be untechy, but I’m afraid it’s me. A lot people have laptops or notebooks. I’m not sure what the difference is. I guess the former sits on your lap and the latter sits on your desk. Or maybe the latter folds up. My computer will never sit on my lap. Nor will the young lady who sold it to me.
We’ve also got a Nook and a Kindle. They are, of course, the iSavvy equivalent of a book – without all those pages to turn. That’s a little too much like exercise. The first thing I downloaded was my own book. How’s that for self-centered? But honestly, I was just trying to see if it would work. (And it does, if you’re wondering.)
Then there are iPads and iPods (and perhaps iPeds for your feet). Again, I don’t know the difference between the two or what either of them does. But to be iSavvy I must have one. I’ll probably go with the iPad. iPods make me think of the menacing aliens from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I never thought I’d need a new phone, but I guess I do. A smart phone. Now a smart phone sounds cool, but I don’t want it to be too smart. I’d rather not be intimidated by a phone. I understand some of the new ones talk to you. I don’t mean someone who calls you and talks to you; the phone itself talks to you. It’s reassuring to know that if you were the last person on Earth, you could still talk to someone on the phone. I know there’s a lot more I can do with it. I can take pictures. I can go out and send text messages while trying to drive my car. And of course they have apps, tons of apps, I guess. There’s one that you can hold up next to a crying baby and it will tell you why it’s crying. There’s one to simulate flipping a coin – for the penniless indecisive. There’s one to make you sound like you’re on your deathbed when calling in sick to work. And evidently the world’s most popular app is the iFart.
I’ll need a GPS of course. They talk to you too; Jack or Jill or Mort, whichever you choose. They speak reassuringly as they help you get hopelessly lost. I read about a woman who drove her car into a lake because her GPS told her to. And the GPS who sent people looking for a certain town out into the Australian desert where they had to be rescued. Still I must have one.
That’s my list so far. If there’s anything technological out there that I don’t know about (what are the chances of that?), I hope someone will tell me about it. I want to stay ahead of this curve.