Tis Pity He's a Writer

Richard Daybell – Novels, stories and short humor

This Is My Rifle, This Is My Gun

Wayne LaPierre, a top gun in the N.R.A., was whining in my newspaper the other day.  “In the aftermath of one of Florida’s many daily tragedies, my phone has been ringing off the hook,” he lamented.  He was referring to the phone calls he had received as a result of the Trayvon Martin killing.

I’m afraid I can’t work up any sympathy for Mr. LaPierre’s phone plight.  You see a few days earlier, I received a phone call from Mr. LaPierre – a robocall to be precise.  Robocalls are a nefarious idea that allows folks like Mr. LaPierre to call people like me and speak to us without interruption.  No back talk. Not even any polite questions  (sort of like an Etch-a-Mitt public appearance).  You can’t even hang up on the robocaller.  Well, you can hang up, but pick up the receiver and there he is still babbling on.  You can’t break the connection.  Using his second amendment right to arm bears, he has commandeered your phone.  If I had had a gun I would have shot the phone.

Mr. LaPierre went on to say (in his whine, not his robocall) not to go blaming him.  The evil media is to blame for his dialing dilemma.  “You manufacture controversy for ratings,” he groused.  He couldn’t understand why people were so upset about this particular shooting.  “By the time I finish this speech,” he continued, “two Americans will be slain, six women will be raped, 27 of us will be robbed, and 50 more will be beaten.”  He didn’t say how many of them involved the bearing of arms.

There are approximately 200 million guns in private hands in the United States.  That’s nearly four for every Republican.

Back in my gun-toting days as a member of the Army Reserves on active duty, I didn’t think twice about the second amendment.  Let me correct that.  It was back in my rifle-toting days.  Calling it a gun meant immediate punishment – not painful but certainly humiliating.

I toted that rifle a lot, fired it a little, and cleaned it every day whether it was dirty or not.  And I was not allowed bullets, except under close supervision.  Which gives me a wonderful awful Mayberry  idea for a grand compromise between Mr. LaPierre and his followers and gun control advocates.  Let those who want to tote tote all the firepower they want to, arm themselves to the molars.  Just no bullets.


11 comments on “This Is My Rifle, This Is My Gun

  1. pouringmyartout
    April 20, 2012

    That’s what I say…


  2. craigdunford
    April 20, 2012

    Beware LaPierre, Daybell is on your ass.
    Relax, when they let him shoot it was never lethal.
    Letting him write, that’s a different story.


    • Richard Daybell
      April 20, 2012

      When I had a gun in hand, everyone cowered — and prayed, just don’t let him have a pen for God’s sake.


  3. Kenton Lewis
    April 20, 2012

    I’ve always said, it’s not gun control, it’s bullet control. Andy Taylor knew that and he was from the gun totin’ Bible belt.


    • Richard Daybell
      April 20, 2012

      Andy Taylor knew everything. Barney occasionally got one unsupervised bullet. That’s more than I got.


  4. Michael Sadowski
    April 20, 2012

    Guns don’t kill people…BULLETS kills people. So let everybody have a gun but pass legislation that ammunition can only be sold in pickled brine or packed in water like tuna. read somewhere that Uncle Mitt waffled on stand re: “waiting periods” for gun purchases, saying something to the effect that the Internet now makes background checks so easy. Mitt, you boob, the waiting period is still called the “cooling off” period in some states for a very good reason. Easier access to guns will create more gun tragedies, esp. among the anger management afflicted sector. If we must have our 2nd Amendment rights then purchasing a gun should be more difficult that buying a home. Thanks for your essay on the topic, Richard.


    • Richard Daybell
      April 22, 2012

      I particularly like the tuna idea.


      • Rosie the Yoga Dog
        April 30, 2012

        I was hoping there would be a ‘Mayberry’ reference. Nice work. And you make it look so easy. We both know that it’s not. But let’s keep that between us. M.


        • Richard Daybell
          May 1, 2012

          Thank you. Barney’s bullet gets a lot of traction, but juxtaposition with Charlton Heston would just be too much.


  5. Pingback: Gun control part 4 | Bell Book Candle

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