Tis Pity He's a Writer

Richard Daybell – Novels, stories and short humor

It’s my party and I’ll write what I want to

(You would write too, if it mattered to you)

I was going to start off on a high note – with a celebration of winter in Vermont, an ode to snow (as they sang in White Christmas, snow, snow, snow), an ode to frigid temps, an ode to frozen pipes.  But sorry, Irving, I must sing of something else.

 I sing of Utah (armum Utahque, canto). Utah, you ask?  It’s my state of birth, my state of youth.  Thus I follow its news a bit, its sports a bit.  It, like Vermont, has snow, snow, snow, Irving. But unlike Vermont it now has a state gun.  You got it, a state gun.  And not some romantic firearm like a Winchester Rifle or a Colt 45, but a semiautomatic whatsis.  Utah is the first state in the nation to have a state gun, but others will follow.  I won’t name states. 

Here in New England, the bastion of reason, this could never happen.  Well, we’d like to think so, but we have a state among us that’s sort of like the crazy aunt locked in the attic.  That would be New Hampshire.  New Hampshire has a history that includes its desire to have a nuclear weapon.  And where would this nuke have been aimed?  Duck and cover, Montpelier. 

Jumping to the present, New Hampshire has just armed its state legislators, but in a tip of the hat to Yankee reserve, legislators are not allowed to brandish those weapons.  This is good.  In Utah and other unnamed states (rhymes with Texas), brandishing is required.  It’s the philosophy known in academic circles as ‘brandish or perish.’  Basically, you keep it concealed (“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”) or you brandish it (“I can shoot the ear off anyone in this playground.”)  This of course has been disastrous to the holster industry, which has been struggling for quite a while.

 I’m guessing that the sight of a bunch of snow bunnies with bullets to their brains lying in the snows of Utah will send people to the snow, snow, snow of Vermont, where, I might add, we have designated it as the official state precipitation.


5 comments on “It’s my party and I’ll write what I want to

  1. Igarodence C. Igplant
    February 3, 2011

    Thanks to R. Kerby, we just came up with a more appropriate state gun. It’s the much more used glue gun. If you’re a D, we glue your trap shut.
    We do have one representative that didn’t get the message: J. Chavetz. His public meetings consist of everyone checking the other for the size of his or her unit.


  2. Richard Daybell
    February 3, 2011

    I didn’t realize there were any Ds left in Utah. I thought I saw the last one screaming across the the border into Nevada in 2006, glue gunners in pursuit. And we probably need more J. Chavetzes in this world.


  3. Ig
    February 3, 2011

    I don’t know what letter I am, but I know you’ll have at least one reader in Utah. I’ll pass the link along. Who knows, you might have two.


  4. R. Wallin, MD, FACEP, BFD
    February 6, 2011

    Thanks to Igonramus P. Idclyde who found your spider hole I can rest easy knowing there is someone who writes in the genre of my reality. Kudos. With regard to the gun issue, this is a metaphor that is needed by the Legislature of Deseret (sic) to agitate on.
    Without it they would be spending their time massaging the liquor laws. They tried to tackle the broken education problem but got stuck between doing away with 12th grade or canceling school bus service so I guess we will have a new State Gun. I would prefer a State Clown that someone suggest – that didn’t make it because of too many potential designates according to the author.


    • Richard Daybell
      February 9, 2011

      Great hearing from you. State clown — I like that. Utah does provide great source material. Just this morning I heard that a terrorist was holding the entire Utah Legislature hostage. He threatened to release a legislator every hour until his demands were met. (It’s old, but fitting.)


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This entry was posted on January 28, 2011 by in Strange Bedfellows and tagged , , , , , , .


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